Hadron's Love Pages

i met love when i was 17 years old, during a winter i thought i couldn't handle. it felt like my heart was bleeding every hour of the day. i went to the duck pond by my house, and for the first time in my life i saw a mute swan.

he was the only swan at the pond. the other birds, dwarfed by his size, kept away from him mostly although over time they all got a little closer. for three months, i saw him every day. he made me feel shy, and he made me feel frightened, and he made me feel captivated. sometimes he was far away, swimming placid and i felt unnoticed. but over time, he got closer to me too. i fed him carrots straight into his maw, strong and snapping. it snowed a few times, and he wasn't as white as the ice that built up on the banks of the lake, but sometimes my eyes still watered when i looked at him.

i thought there was something so wrong with me at that time, i had to figure out how to throw myself away. it was the breakup, and it was being cheated on, and it was everyone knowing, and it was being unable to tell my parents, and it was the feeling of needing constantly to cry.

but the swan was inexplicable. he was there and he didn't leave, even though i thought he must someday soon. i could be there as long as i wanted, watching, sometimes quiet sometimes loud. sometimes saying something or nothing. feeding him or sitting close or taking pictures. i could talk to everyone about him. and i knew i was someone to him. i thought he was easy to love. it was proof i was someone who could love. i reached back out to my friends and i watched the hurt go farther away when love was near.

when that swan left in spring, heading to find his mate, i realized something very special had happened to me.